THE VAGINA WARS: Protecting Real America From The Great Vagina Threat

            It is clear to all Real Americans – those much maligned and little understood citizens of the near-mythical country of Real America – the greatest threat to our national security, our precious freedoms and the sacred traditions that make us the great country we are is the proliferation of easily accessible, unregulated vaginas.  Something must be done.  But before we deal with solutions, let’s consider the problem.  What are the facts?

             Are you aware that just about every woman in the country is walking around with an unlicensed, unregistered, concealed vagina?  And they are prepared to use them.  That would be bad enough if we were only talking about Real American vaginas, but it is common knowledge that recent years have seen Real America flooded with cheap, illegal foreign-made vaginas that produce a clearly inferior product; often oddly shaped and discolored.  And the vagina is clearly a gateway organ.  It is a statistical fact that 100% of criminals, drug addicts, and welfare recipients started by using a vagina.  Now, you may argue that a great many good people also used a vagina early in life and got lucky and turned out all right, but we can’t be too careful.

            The answer is to much more carefully and strenuously regulate vaginas and their use.  Note that I am not advocating the outright banning of vaginas.  I believe that a well-regulated sex life being vital to the preservation of Real America, the right of law abiding Real American women to bear a vagina should not be infringed.  But it is imperative that we keep vaginas from being used in the wrong ways by the wrong people.

            First, we must develop a national vagina registry, so that we can know where the vaginas are and who has them.  Some will undoubtedly claim that this is just a first step down a slippery slope until the government ‘s jack-booted thugs come to confiscate all our vaginas, but I see it as simply a reasonable precaution to keep vaginas out of the hands of people who would use them to undermine the values and laws of Real America.

            Next, we need to pass strict laws regulating the use of vaginas, especially in public buildings, or within a quarter-mile or so of a school, or anywhere within the borders of our national parks and monuments; and it would be a good idea if all women were required to let other customers know if they are carrying a concealed vagina in a bar or restaurant, or on an airplane or other public transportation; with the exception, of course, of well-trained and licensed vagina marshals.  Inappropriate or illegal use of a vagina even in the privacy of one’s own home should be subject to penalty.  The use of a vagina in the commission of a crime, such as rape, should clearly bring severe penalties for the vagina’s owner.  Even law-abiding owners should be required to have safety locks for their vaginas and be responsible for misuse of the vagina by others.

            Also, we need to be sure to regulate and restrict the purchase and use of ancillary vagina products, such as lubricants, stimulants and all forms of birth control, in order to be sure that people aren’t using their vaginas in unacceptable and potentially dangerous ways.   It might be a good idea to license these products, as well as the vaginas themselves, and subject all vaginas to regular inspections to ensure their safety.  Random roadside inspections or the inspection of the vaginas of women who are stopped for routine traffic violations should be considered.

            Now some might argue that similar steps might be taken to regulate the use of the penis as well; but I see that as a sort of apples/oranges analogy; or maybe breadsticks/eclairs.   I mean it’s just not the same thing.  Penises don’t hurt people, people hurt people.  A penis is just a tool -- like a hammer.  If I am using my penis as it was intended by God to be used, then I should not be held responsible for whatever might be ejected from it once the ejected material has left the penis itself.  If it should happen to be ejected into a vagina, it clearly becomes at that moment the property of the vagina's owner, and is now subject to laws regulating the use of said vagina.

            As a Real American, I look forward to the day when vaginas are carefully regulated; and we have unlicensed and unregulated, stand your ground, open carry for penises.

Ten Top Reasons We Are Willing To Spend More Money on War Than On Education

 10.  Teachers keep trying to teach kids to think critically about important stuff.  Who’s got time for that crap?

 9.  You can’t expect us to fight modern wars with bows and arrows, for God’s sake!  But 1940’s textbooks, and pencils and paper were good enough for me, so they’re good enough for today’s kids, too.

 8.  Do you even know how many bake sales it would take to build a battleship?  Who’s got time to make that many cupcakes?!?

 7. Just try to get a really great parade together with a lot of frumpy teachers marching along to Sesame Street songs!

 6. & 5.  When Moses came down off the mountain with the 10 Commandments and saw that the people weren’t listening, he broke the tablets and killed 3000 people who wanted to go home.  This shows us two things: first, anything that can’t be taught with a few bullet points on a stone tablet isn’t worth the effort to teach it; and second, if other people don’t want to learn what we want to teach them, then the only recourse is to kill as many of them as possible.  For some reason, schools refuse to do that.

 4.  Besides, Jesus was the greatest teacher; and He lived outdoors, relied on other people to feed Him, wore robes and sandals, never got paid a dime for His teaching, and could make 5000 meals from a few loaves and fishes without so much as a microwave; today's teachers who expect to earn a good living from teaching are just greedy.

 3. A thousand photos of hundreds of kids sitting and learning are boring; but one video of a kick-ass fighter jet launching a really big missile and blowing something up is exciting.

 2. We’re already spending enough money on large, intimidating buildings with bars on the windows, metal detectors, “safe zone” perimeters and armed security.  They’re called prisons.  At least we still let teachers and students go home at night!

 And the number one reason we are willing to spend more money on war than on education:

 1. After centuries of underfunding education and overfunding war, a whole lot of people are simply too ignorant to know the difference.