Controversy Erupts Over Claim that Most Problems Are Too Complex For Simplistic Solutions

Religious and political leaders across the country are in an uproar over a recent study by a group calling itself “The Church of the Rational Universe.”  The study purports to show that most problems are far too complex for simplistic solutions and require more sophisticated and intelligent analysis.  These so-called “Intelligent Analysists” have just concluded a comprehensive study of the major economic and social issues of the past 75 years and they say that the results show pretty conclusively that 97.4% of those problems have not been resolved, or even changed all that much, in all that time; despite decades of simple answers offered by politicians, pundits, religious leaders, and drunk uncles.

According to Dr. Hugh Mann, the principal spokesperson for the CRU, “Systemic racism, sexual and gender inequality, economic inequity and poverty, religious intolerance, declining support for educational and cultural institutions, and a lack of participation in our democratic processes, such as voting, have all been with us for a very long time.  The fact that we have been unable to find ways to solve these problems has brought us to a point where we are almost irretrievably polarized and impotent.”  What’s needed, he suggests, is that we stop looking for simple, singular, isolated, temporary or ideological solutions and begin looking at the complex web of interrelated and interdependent factors that underlie them.  Dr. Manning proposes that all of existence is ecological, and systemic, and that his approach would lead to better, more lasting solutions.

Critics of this new faith in “Intelligent Analysis” were quick to attack the study, calling it misguided, politically motivated and an attack on Christianity.  Senator Clare Dumas (R,TX) tweeted, “CRU wants us 2 think that we can’t solve immigrant problem with big wall!  LOL!”  Bishop Leo Cleary was outraged.  “Everyone knows that all we have to do is pray, and put money in the collection plate every Sunday, and all these problems will be solved,” he said.  The NRA released a statement suggesting that if the CRU members would just arm themselves to the teeth they would realize that more guns is the answer.  Donald Trump called the group “unimportant nobodies,” repeated his assertions that Bill Gates could turn off the internet, it would be easy to round up all Muslims and make them wear special badges, and close all the mosques.  He then announced that most intelligent analysists love him and will vote for him in huge numbers. 

Dr. Mann said that the group only recently incorporated as a church after years as a scientific society with a different name.  He said that he was inspired by right-wing claims that evolution was a religion and decided that the tax and other benefits of being a church made it a good deal.  He says that he is confident that Intelligent Analysis is a viable belief that is consistent with the bulk of scientific inquiry.  He said that the group will advocate for laws requiring the teaching intelligent analysis in all public schools.