"Self" Abuse

Be Yourself!  (I’m taken.)

Went to the Self Checkout at Target.  Started checking myself out.  Now I can’t go back there.  They should make the sign clearer.

Same thing with Self-Service lines.

Went to one of those Self-Storage places.  Told them I wanted to store myself.  They shouldn’t call them that, then.

When I was a kid, they told me masturbation was self-abuse.  I figured they just weren’t doing it right.

If I lose myself in something, will I become selfless?

So, I thought to myself.  I mean, really, who else am I going to think to?

Went to a self-improvement workshop.  They told me I should develop a better self-concept.  From now on I’m a unicorn.  Deal with it.

Trump Fan Fiction -- #1

Lord of the Tweets:

Book One – the Hippits.  At the end of the reign of Obama the Calm and the beginning of the Second Age of the Twitterverse, a plucky band of independent and progressive Hippits from the Vermontshire are recruited by a wizard called Sandgalf the Cranky to go on a great quest to save Muddle Earth from the dark forces of oligarchy that are sweeping across the countryside.  Although they are first dismissed because of their size and the way they dress, they ultimately prove to be a force that needs reckoning with and the great battle is joined.

Book Two – The Sisterhood of the Pantsuits.  In order to continue their quest, the Hippits must first join forces with the Democra-Elves, who are led by Queen Hillary the Inevitable.  And though a great many of the Democra-Elves disobey the queen and join the Hippits’ cause, the Hippits are eventually defeated at the Great Battle of the Caucuses.  None-the-less, the Hippits are energized by the strength of their movement and vow to fight on.  Meanwhile, Lord Trumpaun has defeated an army of dwarves and recruited legions of Trolls to wander about the Twitterverse and Forest of Blather (or FB), looking for opportunities to fling dung at the elves, the Hippits and their allies.

Book Three – The Two Monoliths.  A great war is waged between Queen Hillary’s Sisterhood and Lord Trumpaun, who has created a great fortress of gold topped by two tiny hands holding up a pair of pursed lips hovering beneath a great swirling orange hairpiece.  Having enslaved the RepublicOrcs Under the leadership of Mitch the Turtle and Ryan the Shape-Shifter; and joined forces with the white wizard Penceron the Handsome, whose greatest magic is in convincing the people of Indianashire that he is not as evil as the Lord to whom he has sworn allegiance: Lord Trumpaun befouls the political landscape of Muddle Earth and, despite her overwhelming number of warriors, defeats Queen Hillary at the Battle of the Electoral College.  And the dark age of the Twitter Lord has begun.

Book Four – Return of the Hippits (Scheduled for release sometime between now and 2020).  The Hippits begin planning a new coalition to oppose Lord Trumpaun by attacking his RepublicOrcs one at a time when they venture out of the safety of the Orc Congress.  But can they convince the Democr-Elves to join with them, or will the elves seek to build a strengthened unholy alliance with the Ghost Army of the SuperPacs?  Can Muddle Earth yet be saved?

The 10 Stages of Desktop Evolution

1. Just got my new desk.  I went right out and bought a pencil/pen holder, in-box and out-box, one of those racks for important folders and documents, a professional-looking desk blotter, a drawer organizer, 3 paperweights, a sticky-note pad with holder, a stapler, a tape dispenser, and one of those plates with my name on it.  Ready to go to work!

 2. A little clutter is the sign of a busy person.  The pile on the right is stuff that needs filing and the pile on the left is stuff I’m working on.

3. It’s really a lot more organized than it looks; and I know what’s where.

4. I believe in a place for everything and everything in its place.  My placed for everything is on my desk.

5. A messy desk is a sign of creativity and genius.  I wouldn’t be surprised if any day now I wrote the great American novel or found a cure for cancer or something.  Right now, I just want to find that bottle of wart treatment I bought . . . when was it . . . was it really that long ago?  It’s probably still good, though, right?

6. I’ve always thought that busy, successful people really need two desks, with one of those corner shelves between them.

7. Two desks and a work table, actually.  And it’s not like it’s all just thrown on the desk; each pile means something . . .  really.

8. The thing is that all this stuff is valuable! And useful!

9. I’ve noticed that my office plants do better if I just take them out of their pots and just tuck their roots into the pile on the back left corner of the desk.  Not sure why that is.

10. Just got an odd call from the University.  Apparently, their Archeology Department is interested in doing something called a “dig” in my office.  I think they were serious.

Leaked Draft of New Instructions for Cabinet Room Lights!

Maybe Someone Should Market It This Way . . .

 

 

 

 

 

PERSONAL LUBRICANT:

 

 

Penis Butter




90% OF YOU WILL FAIL TO BE GENIUSES

Okay.  I’ve about had it.  There are certain FB click-baits that drive me crazy.  But rather than simply rant, I will attempt to help you once and for all see how these things work (and understand that getting one of them right doesn’t actually require a “genius.”).

 

THE “MATH PROBLEM”

Example: 2 + 2 + 2 x 0 – 2 = ? 

The answer is 2.

Why? Because math problems are always done the same way, and that way is to do all the multiplication and division first, then do the addition and subtraction.  The exact order is PEMDAS, Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication and Division, Addition and Subtraction.  It makes no difference whether you multiply or divide first as long as you do those before adding and subtracting; and it makes no difference whether you add or subtract first as long as you do them after multiplying and dividing.

I will ignore the parentheses and exponents for the moment because the common problems never include exponents (which are actually just a kind of multiplication that takes precedence) and because part of the “problem” is that they leave the parentheses out on purpose.

So in the problem given above you would do the multiplication first (2 x 0 = 0).

Now you rewrite the equation as 2 + 2 + 0 – 2 = ?  2 + 2 is 4.  4 + 0 is 4. 4 – 2 is 2.  So the answer is 2.

Since it is simply true that once you have done one of these “genius” problems you have done them all, you can now stop sharing your continually wrong answers or showing off your right answers and clogging up my FB feed. (Oops.  I promised I wouldn’t rant.  Sorry.)

 

THE “HOW MANY SQUARES OR TRIANGLES PROBLEM”

For example: Look at the following diagram.

 

How many squares are there? (Trust me, when I did this originally they were all squares, so imagine that they are all squares now, regardless of how it looks.)

Assume that the small squares are 1”x1”.  Count them.  There are 12 of them.  Remember 12.

Now, there are also some squares that are 2”x2”.  To count these you have to remember that they sometimes overlap each other and they don’t need to have all the inside lines in order to be squares, just their outside edges.  Of these, there are 7.

7 + 12 = 19.

Next, you need to count the 3”x3” squares.  Same rules apply as for the 2”x2” squares.  There are only 2 of these.  19 + 2 = 21.

Finally, there is one large 4”x4” square.  21 + 1 = 22.

So there are 22 squares.

 

It works the same way with triangles, except there are only 3 sides.  I recommend you print out a few copies of the diagram and begin counting the shapes by outlining them in red if you can’t visualize them any other way. Then just stop falling for every exactly the same puzzle that somebody with advertising to sell puts out there to hook gullible FB users. (I know.  But as I look back, not ranting wasn’t actually a promise; it was more of a casual commitment.)

 

THE “SERIES OF SIMPLE EQUATIONS CHALLENGE”

These aren’t actually math problems, but ask you to look for patterns.  Usually, the designers simply leave out one step of the series and hope you won’t notice.  For example:

2 + 3 = 25

3 + 4 = 37

4 + 5 = 49

6 + 7 = ? 

First, you’ll notice that these aren’t equations.  The “answers” are arrived at by writing down the first of the two initial numbers and then the sum of the numbers.

So 2 + 3 is solved by writing down the 2, then (since 2+3=5) writing down the 5.

You’ll notice, however, that the difference between the “answers” is 12, and the creators of the puzzle hope you’ll be distracted by this and not notice that they skipped 5 + 6.

So just do the “equation” you’re given: 6 + 7 = (6, then 13) 613. 

Since most everyone can, in fact, do the “math” involved, it really doesn’t require a genius to solve these tricks.  Just look for the pattern, look for the trick, and do it all in your head or on a separate piece of paper. 

 

Then keep it to yourself.  I don’t need to know that you “solved” it, or that you got 9 out of ten answers on that quiz that “90%” will fail at. (You do know that these people pull those percentages out of their . . . hats . . .  that’s what I was going to say . . . hats . . . right?)

 

(As I reflect further, I realize that not ranting wasn’t so much of a commitment as a sort of preamble to the essay; a way of saying that I wouldn’t “simply” rant, but would offer explanations also.  I feel that I have done that.  You’re welcome.)

LOCAL MAN ADMITS HE LOST ARGUMENT ON FACEBOOK

A local man claims to have had the shock of his life a few days ago, when he stumbled into a rational discussion on Facebook.
 

“The guy I was arguing with just had all these really clear, well thought out, cogent points he kept making,” said local handyman and dedicated Facebook troll, Sean O’Toole.  “It was like he knew what he was talking about or something.”

O’Toole expressed frustration over how the “other guy” had refused to play by the rules.  “I was calling him names, like Libtard and A**hat,” he said, “and making up all kinds of really impressive imaginary facts. I was quoting lots of celebrities, supermarket tabloids and Fox News.  And he just stayed really calm and focused and kept disproving everything I said.  It was weird.  And it wasn’t really fair, you know?  It’s like he thought he was having an actual discussion or something.  I mean, come on, it was Facebook!”

"It's shaken my confidence, really.  I know I'll be able to get back on the discussion threads eventually, but for now this whole experience has been terribly traumatic."