When you’re done talking, please wipe your mouth

!

 

When Mother aint happy, aint nobody happy

!

 

At some time in the near future, you may receive from someone a reposting on Facebook of something I have created specifically for the purpose of having it reposted as much as possible.

You have no idea who I am, whom or what I might represent, or the sources from which I have derived my information or ideas.  But I shall now ask you to imagine a heartwarming – or heartbreaking – scenario involving some or all of the following:  pets, babies, the American flag, people I think you should hate or love, and situations I think you should be supportive of, outraged over, or moved to tears by.  I will then say something which will be intended to sound terribly wise and profound, but which is actually pretty shallow and ill-thought-out.  It will, however, seem to make perfect sense in the context I provide.

With a little luck, this posting will continue to pop up on FB news feeds for years to come and long after everything I tell you has been completely debunked by reasonable and intelligent people who have bothered to check the facts.

Let’s see who reposts this and receives untold wealth and numbers of new FB friends, and demonstrates that they are the kind of people who have made this country great; and how many will fail to repost and thus demonstrate to millions of people world-wide that they hate God, America, me, and each of those millions’ of FB users’ individual mothers – simply because I have said so.       

  

I will predict that only 3% of you will repost -- a number which I have pulled directly out of thin air with no actual data to support it.  I will also claim that those who repost are my only true friends and that I know who you are; thus insuating that failing to repost is proof that you don't love me.

 

Have  a nice day.              

dsh

Campaign Slogan!

REPEAL GRAVITY! PROMOTE LEVITY!

 

Policy on Humor

 

To: All Employees

From: The Ad Hoc Committee on Workplace Levity and Niceness

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Policy on Humor

Due to an escalation in the incidence of  "humor" initiated by employees in recent weeks, and a subsequent rise in the number of complaints indicating offense at said “humor,” the Humor Subcommittee of the Ad Hoc Committee on Workplace Levity and Niceness, has issued the following:

Guidelines for Workplace Humor

A. All humor must be clearly labeled: "Caution! The following material is supposed to be funny."

B.  The specific type of humor must be clearly labeled as ironic, droll, wry, physical, offensive, lighthearted, satirical, tasteless, intellectual, or other (specify).

 

C. Offensive humor must be preceded by a clear warning that clearly designates the person(s) or group(s) likely to be offended.  (For example: "This humor is likely to be offensive to blonde females of European ancestry who identify themselves as Californians.")

 

D. The intended audience for the humor must be indicated by characteristics such as gender, racial and ethnic background, political persuasion, educational level, and socio-economic status.  (For example: "This humor is intended for males who have not progressed intellectually or spiritually since their sophomore year in high school.")

 

E. Information should be readily available from the originator of the humor, which explains the humorous aspects of the material and contains appropriate apologies to the person(s) or group(s) mentioned under rule C and a blanket apology to anyone who might have been overlooked. (The committee is investigating the possibility of creating a web page for the specific purpose of posting explanations and apologies.)

 

F. Those responsible for the humor should be prepared to certify that no animals were injured or killed in the production of the humor, except yucky ones we don't like or those that taste good.

 

G. In order to reduce the possibility of harm to innocent bystanders of "second-hand humor," public displays of humor shall be restricted to a small, designated area out behind the building.  Standing around being funny at entrances is expressly prohibited.

*SAMPLE*

******************************************************************************************************************

Caution: The following material is intended to be funny!

This humor is whimsical in nature and is intended for general audiences, suitable for children.

The only persons likely to be offended by this humor are persons named Moe and people who don't like old, dumb jokes.

Joe:  "Say, Moe, can you tell me the difference between a mailbox and an elephant?

Moe:  "Why no, Joe, I can't!"

Joe:  "Then I guess I'd better go mail this letter myself!"

Note:  No elephants were injured or abused in the creation of this humor.

******************************************************************************************************************

Suppository Writing

 

To: Dean of Academic Affairs

From: Curriculum Committee

 

Subject: New Course Proposal.

 

            As one response to the college’s interest in attracting and retaining students, especially in these challenging times for higher education, this committee is proposing the adoption of the following advanced writing course.  Up until now, it has been thought that students needed only the traditional skills of expository writing: attention to form and mechanics, logical thinking, and clear expression of carefully reasoned ideas.  In this modern age, however, when actions precede thought, news has been replaced by entertainment, entertainment is synonymous with offensiveness, and the purpose of writing is to obscure rather than elucidate, students are looking for more practical courses that will give them real-world skills.      

 

ENG 253 -- Suppository Writing.

 

                        This is a course in organic writing.  Students will learn specialized skills for the writing of academic dissertations, government documents, political speeches, grant applications, philosophy, popular novels, unauthorized biographies, personal memoirs, op-ed commentary, letters-to-the-editor, contemporary music, and other coprophagous genre.  During the semester, students will be expected to discharge several fecund works of excremental fiction and nonfiction. 

                        Through practical application of the writing process, students will learn how to digest information and concepts so that they can easily extrude a fertile and organic end product. They will understand the value of purgation in writing.  They will learn how to be secretive in their writing so they can externalize what had previously been internalized.  Through exposure to the writings of effluential authors, students will learn to appreciate works of cathartic literature.

                        Special attention will be given to the proper use of the colon.

            This is, naturally, an alimentary writing course, will be taught on a pass or fail basis.

                        Seating will likely be limited and students are encouraged to bring their own stools.

Memo to Those Who Don't Read Memos

 

To:       Employees who fail to read official memos

From:   Internal Communications Process Improvement Team

 

Subject:  Failure to read official memoranda, minutes, announcements, policies, etc.

 

            It is a matter of general understanding that a number of employees discard important internal and system communications, especially memoranda and e-mails, without reading them.  As it is in the interest of this organization and all its constituents to have these communications function effectively, the Internal Communications Process Improvement Team has decided to survey those employees who are not reading official memos or e-mail to determine why these important communications are not being read.

            Therefore, if you have not read this memo, please answer the following questions as honestly and simply as you can, sign it below, and return the completed questionnaire to the ICPIT.

           

A.    Please place a checkmark next to any and all of the following reasons for not reading this memo which apply to you:

            _____ I never received it.

            _____ I was busy writing memos for other people to not read.

            _____ I got as far as "To: Employees who fail to . . " and I was bored silly.

            _____ I always read memos so I figured it wasn't meant for me.

            _____ I never read memos as a matter of principle.

            _____ Other (please specify):________________________________________

 

            B.  Please place a checkmark next to any and all of the following changes in memos which might influence you to read memos in the future:

            _____ A specific limit on the number of memos allowed to be sent through interoffice or E-mail in any week.

            _____ A specific limit on word length and number of words in any one memo.

            _____ More pictures and bigger fonts.

            _____ Having all memos personally addressed to me; with little handwritten notes attached, saying things like, "Please, if you have the time right now and it's not too much trouble, could you take a moment to read this?  You're a wonderful human being and I really appreciate this."

            _____ A blizzard in the netherworld.

            _____ Other (Please specify):________________________________________

           

Signed:

 

Name:__________________________________________   Date:_____________

 

Note: If you have read this memo, please ignore it.