LOCAL MAN ADMITS HE LOST ARGUMENT ON FACEBOOK

A local man claims to have had the shock of his life a few days ago, when he stumbled into a rational discussion on Facebook.
 

“The guy I was arguing with just had all these really clear, well thought out, cogent points he kept making,” said local handyman and dedicated Facebook troll, Sean O’Toole.  “It was like he knew what he was talking about or something.”

O’Toole expressed frustration over how the “other guy” had refused to play by the rules.  “I was calling him names, like Libtard and A**hat,” he said, “and making up all kinds of really impressive imaginary facts. I was quoting lots of celebrities, supermarket tabloids and Fox News.  And he just stayed really calm and focused and kept disproving everything I said.  It was weird.  And it wasn’t really fair, you know?  It’s like he thought he was having an actual discussion or something.  I mean, come on, it was Facebook!”

"It's shaken my confidence, really.  I know I'll be able to get back on the discussion threads eventually, but for now this whole experience has been terribly traumatic."

Controversy Erupts Over Claim that Most Problems Are Too Complex For Simplistic Solutions

Religious and political leaders across the country are in an uproar over a recent study by a group calling itself “The Church of the Rational Universe.”  The study purports to show that most problems are far too complex for simplistic solutions and require more sophisticated and intelligent analysis.  These so-called “Intelligent Analysists” have just concluded a comprehensive study of the major economic and social issues of the past 75 years and they say that the results show pretty conclusively that 97.4% of those problems have not been resolved, or even changed all that much, in all that time; despite decades of simple answers offered by politicians, pundits, religious leaders, and drunk uncles.

According to Dr. Hugh Mann, the principal spokesperson for the CRU, “Systemic racism, sexual and gender inequality, economic inequity and poverty, religious intolerance, declining support for educational and cultural institutions, and a lack of participation in our democratic processes, such as voting, have all been with us for a very long time.  The fact that we have been unable to find ways to solve these problems has brought us to a point where we are almost irretrievably polarized and impotent.”  What’s needed, he suggests, is that we stop looking for simple, singular, isolated, temporary or ideological solutions and begin looking at the complex web of interrelated and interdependent factors that underlie them.  Dr. Manning proposes that all of existence is ecological, and systemic, and that his approach would lead to better, more lasting solutions.

Critics of this new faith in “Intelligent Analysis” were quick to attack the study, calling it misguided, politically motivated and an attack on Christianity.  Senator Clare Dumas (R,TX) tweeted, “CRU wants us 2 think that we can’t solve immigrant problem with big wall!  LOL!”  Bishop Leo Cleary was outraged.  “Everyone knows that all we have to do is pray, and put money in the collection plate every Sunday, and all these problems will be solved,” he said.  The NRA released a statement suggesting that if the CRU members would just arm themselves to the teeth they would realize that more guns is the answer.  Donald Trump called the group “unimportant nobodies,” repeated his assertions that Bill Gates could turn off the internet, it would be easy to round up all Muslims and make them wear special badges, and close all the mosques.  He then announced that most intelligent analysists love him and will vote for him in huge numbers. 

Dr. Mann said that the group only recently incorporated as a church after years as a scientific society with a different name.  He said that he was inspired by right-wing claims that evolution was a religion and decided that the tax and other benefits of being a church made it a good deal.  He says that he is confident that Intelligent Analysis is a viable belief that is consistent with the bulk of scientific inquiry.  He said that the group will advocate for laws requiring the teaching intelligent analysis in all public schools.

Do You Know Why?

 

 

 

 

 

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5 Things to do on April Fools Day, 2015

1. Get an old T-shirt, large enough to hang down below your waste. Write across the bottom in red letters: What Are YOU Looking At?!?!

2. At work, put out one of those pink bakery boxes, fill it with chocolate brownies, put a label on it that says “Product of Colorado,” and see how quickly people eat them.

3. Put a sign on your own back that says “I’m with Stupid,” and has an arrow pointing up. See how many people try to tell you about it.

4. Post the following on your FB status:

“I CHALLENGE YOU TO REPOST THIS AS YOUR STATUS FOR ONE DAY!

99% of you won’t have the courage to do it, but I’m proud to part of the 1% who will!”

If you’d like you could put a cute animal GIF on it.

5. Stand on a street corner with a petition demanding, now that Ted Cruz has renounced his Canadian citizenship, that he also renounce his citizenship in Cuba and any other places he might accidently be from, and start spelling his last name “Cruise.” Put up a picture of him with a Hitler moustache and a hammer-and-sickle lapel pin. Wear a tinfoil hat the whole time.

Bitter Cold. Can You Blame It?

I have been hearing about how bitter the cold is, and I have to wonder why. Why is the cold so bitter? I think I know. Here we have this perfectly nice cold coming down out of Canada for a visit to New England, bringing along with it some absolutely beautiful snow for skiing and snowboarding and snowmobiles, frozen lakes for skating, and ice fishing, a brisk breeze to encourage us to sit inside by a fireplace and snuggle. And what thanks does it get? Just a lot of moaning and complaining, and people crying about spring. Let’s be honest, everyone, we could have been more welcoming, more friendly, more generous of spirit, could have at least tried to warm up to it a bit. What must the cold think? “Is it me? Maybe it’s because I’m Canadian. No, I know what it is. It’s my honesty.” The cold has no pretense, no illusions. Spring comes promising flowers, but tricks you into thinking they’ll never fade; Summer says come with me on vacation, but doesn’t tell you about having to come home again; Autumn gives you holidays and celebrations, but these only distract us from seeing the shortening of the days and the passing of the leaves. Yet it is the cold of winter that we treat so poorly. But why? It is the winter, not the spring that is the beginning of things. In the fall, all things wither. It is the winter that nurtures and heals, that holds us in its heart as the days grow longer, as the sun returns north, as the whole world prepares to wake into spring. Meanwhile, the cold comes and tucks us, that season when nature weeps its rain, while throwing blossoms around to convince us that it’s happy. And just as we are convinced that spring cares about us it leaves us in July, full of the unrequited passion of the summer heat, which we chase after like some romantic fantasy, only to see it all fade as September turns to October. Winter is the season of hope and the knowledge that that hope will be fulfilled. The cold comes to embrace us and tell us that it’s all going to be all right if we just have patience. So I do not doubt that the cold is bitter. But be careful. I just heard that the cold may be turning brutal. Perhaps it’s not too late. There are still a few weeks in which we can turn this around, show the cold that we appreciate it, that we are not indifferent to the gifts it brings. We might yet warm the heart of the cold in time for spring.