"Self" Abuse

Be Yourself!  (I’m taken.)

Went to the Self Checkout at Target.  Started checking myself out.  Now I can’t go back there.  They should make the sign clearer.

Same thing with Self-Service lines.

Went to one of those Self-Storage places.  Told them I wanted to store myself.  They shouldn’t call them that, then.

When I was a kid, they told me masturbation was self-abuse.  I figured they just weren’t doing it right.

If I lose myself in something, will I become selfless?

So, I thought to myself.  I mean, really, who else am I going to think to?

Went to a self-improvement workshop.  They told me I should develop a better self-concept.  From now on I’m a unicorn.  Deal with it.

Trump Fan Fiction -- #1

Lord of the Tweets:

Book One – the Hippits.  At the end of the reign of Obama the Calm and the beginning of the Second Age of the Twitterverse, a plucky band of independent and progressive Hippits from the Vermontshire are recruited by a wizard called Sandgalf the Cranky to go on a great quest to save Muddle Earth from the dark forces of oligarchy that are sweeping across the countryside.  Although they are first dismissed because of their size and the way they dress, they ultimately prove to be a force that needs reckoning with and the great battle is joined.

Book Two – The Sisterhood of the Pantsuits.  In order to continue their quest, the Hippits must first join forces with the Democra-Elves, who are led by Queen Hillary the Inevitable.  And though a great many of the Democra-Elves disobey the queen and join the Hippits’ cause, the Hippits are eventually defeated at the Great Battle of the Caucuses.  None-the-less, the Hippits are energized by the strength of their movement and vow to fight on.  Meanwhile, Lord Trumpaun has defeated an army of dwarves and recruited legions of Trolls to wander about the Twitterverse and Forest of Blather (or FB), looking for opportunities to fling dung at the elves, the Hippits and their allies.

Book Three – The Two Monoliths.  A great war is waged between Queen Hillary’s Sisterhood and Lord Trumpaun, who has created a great fortress of gold topped by two tiny hands holding up a pair of pursed lips hovering beneath a great swirling orange hairpiece.  Having enslaved the RepublicOrcs Under the leadership of Mitch the Turtle and Ryan the Shape-Shifter; and joined forces with the white wizard Penceron the Handsome, whose greatest magic is in convincing the people of Indianashire that he is not as evil as the Lord to whom he has sworn allegiance: Lord Trumpaun befouls the political landscape of Muddle Earth and, despite her overwhelming number of warriors, defeats Queen Hillary at the Battle of the Electoral College.  And the dark age of the Twitter Lord has begun.

Book Four – Return of the Hippits (Scheduled for release sometime between now and 2020).  The Hippits begin planning a new coalition to oppose Lord Trumpaun by attacking his RepublicOrcs one at a time when they venture out of the safety of the Orc Congress.  But can they convince the Democr-Elves to join with them, or will the elves seek to build a strengthened unholy alliance with the Ghost Army of the SuperPacs?  Can Muddle Earth yet be saved?

The 10 Stages of Desktop Evolution

1. Just got my new desk.  I went right out and bought a pencil/pen holder, in-box and out-box, one of those racks for important folders and documents, a professional-looking desk blotter, a drawer organizer, 3 paperweights, a sticky-note pad with holder, a stapler, a tape dispenser, and one of those plates with my name on it.  Ready to go to work!

 2. A little clutter is the sign of a busy person.  The pile on the right is stuff that needs filing and the pile on the left is stuff I’m working on.

3. It’s really a lot more organized than it looks; and I know what’s where.

4. I believe in a place for everything and everything in its place.  My placed for everything is on my desk.

5. A messy desk is a sign of creativity and genius.  I wouldn’t be surprised if any day now I wrote the great American novel or found a cure for cancer or something.  Right now, I just want to find that bottle of wart treatment I bought . . . when was it . . . was it really that long ago?  It’s probably still good, though, right?

6. I’ve always thought that busy, successful people really need two desks, with one of those corner shelves between them.

7. Two desks and a work table, actually.  And it’s not like it’s all just thrown on the desk; each pile means something . . .  really.

8. The thing is that all this stuff is valuable! And useful!

9. I’ve noticed that my office plants do better if I just take them out of their pots and just tuck their roots into the pile on the back left corner of the desk.  Not sure why that is.

10. Just got an odd call from the University.  Apparently, their Archeology Department is interested in doing something called a “dig” in my office.  I think they were serious.

Leaked Draft of New Instructions for Cabinet Room Lights!