Much to the shock of God watchers
around the world, word came down from Heaven today that God is retiring
effective immediately. And even as the
faithful deal with this incredible news, speculation about His replacement has
already begun.
God’s announcement, which came in
the form of a divine revelation to religious leaders around the world was brief
and to the point. “I am as of “today”
(to use the temporal vernacular of Earth), resigning my position as God
Almighty and going into retirement. I
assure you that no single event or specific series of events has led to this decision,
which has been a long time in the making.
Having served in this capacity since the beginning of time, I am simply
tired. I leave Heaven and Earth and all
the cosmos in very capable hands.” Most
Christian observers believe the last to be a reference to God’s Son, Jesus of
Nazareth. A significant number of God
watchers have even speculated that God has been turning over more and more of
His work to Jesus since about 30CE. Others have claimed that God had long ago
stopped working at all. Since at least
the 19th century, some factions have even spread rumors that the
Heavenly Father was deceased.
Pope Gregory, who had only just announced his
own resignation as of the end of the month, released a statement calling for
calm. “We don’t, of course, know all
the details yet, but there is no reason for panic. We expect to hear something very soon
regarding assignment of responsibilities for judging sinners, managing natural
disasters, keeping an eye on sparrows and so forth.” Sources within the Vatican, who asked for
anonymity because their statements were off the record, suggested that the
Pontiff was a bit put out by the timing of God’s announcement, which was
certain to steal some of the thunder from the news of his own resignation.
Sister Mary Theresa Bardinelli of
the Sisters of Mercy, said she was hoping that whoever replaced the Creator
would bring more of a feminine touch to the job. “I think it would be wonderful if Jesus and
his Mother could share the responsibilities.
This is the 21st century, after all, and it’s way past time for
us to get over the idea that only men can run things.”
Justin Welby, the new Archbishop
of Canterbury, was somewhat cautionary even as he praised the Almighty for his
work over the past millennia. “We are of
course deeply sadden by this news, and while we would like to say that we
understand His decision, we cannot, of course, because we are only human and
none of us can ever actually know what God is thinking. However, we wish Him well in His retirement
and trust that The Holy Spirit will guide his successor. Let us be especially careful not to take this
as a sign that God’s work here is finished, but believe instead that His work
will continue in Heaven and here on Earth; just under new leadership.”
Israel’s Chief Rabbi, Yona
Metzger, praised the Lord, but pointed out that He had not named His Successor,
only indicating that things would be left in good hands. “While I appreciate and understand the
sincere beliefs of my Christian brethren, I obviously believe that whatever
arrangements have been made, we cannot assume that Jesus of Nazareth has been
put in charge.”
Several Islamic leaders released
statements indicating that it was clear that Allah had already provided for his
retirement through His Prophet Mohammed and the Qur’an.
Sean Bogle, a self-proclaimed atheist,
and author of the book “There is No God, All right? So Just Get Over It Already,” told NPR that
he suspected this was a sign that the churches were looking for a way out. “You know, you look at all the disasters, the
violence, the general depravity and it gets harder and harder to argue that God’s
looking out for things. Sure there are a
lot of good things happening, too, but let’s just finally accept that we humans
are doing it all ourselves. This ‘announcement’
would at least seem to make it official.”
The National Congress of
Agnostics said in a hastily written press release that “It could be true,
certainly; but we’ll just have to wait and see.”
As for questions that have been
raised concerning the identity of the new Lord of all Things Mortal and Immortal,
there seemed to be three lines of speculation in addition to the Christian
perspective regarding Jesus. Some
sources suggested that there may be an attempt by Satan to use the instability
created by God’s retirement to move back into Heaven and take charge
himself. The Devil’s desire to replace
God and rule both Hell and Heaven is well known, but most observers feel that
God would not have left if this was a real possibility. Others were speculating that there might be
an interim period in which some older gods and/or goddesses might step in while
the new Almighty was getting things in order.
Zeus and Hera were unlikely to return, but Isis and Osiris were thought
to be more than eager to return for as long as they might be needed, since they
were not really ready to leave when they did and even had a few adherents still
prepared to make whatever sacrifices might be necessary. The
third possibility was that God might be making way for a ruling coalition of
Gods and Prophets from all Earth’s religions which would work toward
reconciling spiritual and religious differences and bring about a new age of unity
and understanding and peace throughout the world. As expected, this was rejected as obvious
blasphemy by the leaders of all the world’s faiths.
