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THE VAGINA WARS: Protecting Real America From The Great Vagina Threat

            It is clear to all Real Americans – those much maligned and little understood citizens of the near-mythical country of Real America – the greatest threat to our national security, our precious freedoms and the sacred traditions that make us the great country we are is the proliferation of easily accessible, unregulated vaginas.  Something must be done.  But before we deal with solutions, let’s consider the problem.  What are the facts?

             Are you aware that just about every woman in the country is walking around with an unlicensed, unregistered, concealed vagina?  And they are prepared to use them.  That would be bad enough if we were only talking about Real American vaginas, but it is common knowledge that recent years have seen Real America flooded with cheap, illegal foreign-made vaginas that produce a clearly inferior product; often oddly shaped and discolored.  And the vagina is clearly a gateway organ.  It is a statistical fact that 100% of criminals, drug addicts, and welfare recipients started by using a vagina.  Now, you may argue that a great many good people also used a vagina early in life and got lucky and turned out all right, but we can’t be too careful.

            The answer is to much more carefully and strenuously regulate vaginas and their use.  Note that I am not advocating the outright banning of vaginas.  I believe that a well-regulated sex life being vital to the preservation of Real America, the right of law abiding Real American women to bear a vagina should not be infringed.  But it is imperative that we keep vaginas from being used in the wrong ways by the wrong people.

            First, we must develop a national vagina registry, so that we can know where the vaginas are and who has them.  Some will undoubtedly claim that this is just a first step down a slippery slope until the government ‘s jack-booted thugs come to confiscate all our vaginas, but I see it as simply a reasonable precaution to keep vaginas out of the hands of people who would use them to undermine the values and laws of Real America.

            Next, we need to pass strict laws regulating the use of vaginas, especially in public buildings, or within a quarter-mile or so of a school, or anywhere within the borders of our national parks and monuments; and it would be a good idea if all women were required to let other customers know if they are carrying a concealed vagina in a bar or restaurant, or on an airplane or other public transportation; with the exception, of course, of well-trained and licensed vagina marshals.  Inappropriate or illegal use of a vagina even in the privacy of one’s own home should be subject to penalty.  The use of a vagina in the commission of a crime, such as rape, should clearly bring severe penalties for the vagina’s owner.  Even law-abiding owners should be required to have safety locks for their vaginas and be responsible for misuse of the vagina by others.

            Also, we need to be sure to regulate and restrict the purchase and use of ancillary vagina products, such as lubricants, stimulants and all forms of birth control, in order to be sure that people aren’t using their vaginas in unacceptable and potentially dangerous ways.   It might be a good idea to license these products, as well as the vaginas themselves, and subject all vaginas to regular inspections to ensure their safety.  Random roadside inspections or the inspection of the vaginas of women who are stopped for routine traffic violations should be considered.

            Now some might argue that similar steps might be taken to regulate the use of the penis as well; but I see that as a sort of apples/oranges analogy; or maybe breadsticks/eclairs.   I mean it’s just not the same thing.  Penises don’t hurt people, people hurt people.  A penis is just a tool -- like a hammer.  If I am using my penis as it was intended by God to be used, then I should not be held responsible for whatever might be ejected from it once the ejected material has left the penis itself.  If it should happen to be ejected into a vagina, it clearly becomes at that moment the property of the vagina's owner, and is now subject to laws regulating the use of said vagina.

            As a Real American, I look forward to the day when vaginas are carefully regulated; and we have unlicensed and unregulated, stand your ground, open carry for penises.

Ten Top Reasons We Are Willing To Spend More Money on War Than On Education

 10.  Teachers keep trying to teach kids to think critically about important stuff.  Who’s got time for that crap?

 9.  You can’t expect us to fight modern wars with bows and arrows, for God’s sake!  But 1940’s textbooks, and pencils and paper were good enough for me, so they’re good enough for today’s kids, too.

 8.  Do you even know how many bake sales it would take to build a battleship?  Who’s got time to make that many cupcakes?!?

 7. Just try to get a really great parade together with a lot of frumpy teachers marching along to Sesame Street songs!

 6. & 5.  When Moses came down off the mountain with the 10 Commandments and saw that the people weren’t listening, he broke the tablets and killed 3000 people who wanted to go home.  This shows us two things: first, anything that can’t be taught with a few bullet points on a stone tablet isn’t worth the effort to teach it; and second, if other people don’t want to learn what we want to teach them, then the only recourse is to kill as many of them as possible.  For some reason, schools refuse to do that.

 4.  Besides, Jesus was the greatest teacher; and He lived outdoors, relied on other people to feed Him, wore robes and sandals, never got paid a dime for His teaching, and could make 5000 meals from a few loaves and fishes without so much as a microwave; today's teachers who expect to earn a good living from teaching are just greedy.

 3. A thousand photos of hundreds of kids sitting and learning are boring; but one video of a kick-ass fighter jet launching a really big missile and blowing something up is exciting.

 2. We’re already spending enough money on large, intimidating buildings with bars on the windows, metal detectors, “safe zone” perimeters and armed security.  They’re called prisons.  At least we still let teachers and students go home at night!

 And the number one reason we are willing to spend more money on war than on education:

 1. After centuries of underfunding education and overfunding war, a whole lot of people are simply too ignorant to know the difference.

 

Suppository Writing

MEM0

Date: September 6, 2013

To: University Curriculum Committee

Subject: New Course Proposal.

                Since several people have expressed interest in an advanced writing course and in courses of a practical, "real-world," nature, it would seem like a good time to consider a course in  Suppository Writing.

                 ENG 103 -- Suppository Writing.

 

                                A study of organic expression.  Especially useful for the writing of academic papers, grant applications, philosophy, popular novels, unauthorized biographies, and other coprophagous genre.  Should be a requirement for Political Science majors.  Students will be expected to discharge several fecund works of excremental fiction and nonfiction.  Special attention will be given to the proper use of the colon.

 
                Course Content Objectives:

 

                                Through practical application of the writing process, students will learn how to digest information and concepts so that they can easily extrude a fertile and organic end product. They will understand the value of purgation in writing.  They will learn how to be secretive in their writing so they can externalize what had previously been internalized.  Through exposure to the writings of effluential authors, students will learn to appreciate works of cathartic literature.

 
 Additional Notes:

                 This is, naturally, an alimentary writing course, and should, perhaps, be taught on a pass or fail basis.

                 Room assignment shouldn't be a problem.  Just about any room will do as long as it has stools.

So, two guys walk into a bar in an open-carry, stand-your-ground state and get into

a fight. What could possibly go wrong?

 

It’s not a riddle; but it is a joke.

 

 

 

 

 

In Congress, Wishes Must Be Horses

******

Because Everyone Seems To Be Up To Their Eyeballs

In

HORSESHIT!

 

 

Breaking News! God to Retire!

Much to the shock of God watchers around the world, word came down from Heaven today that God is retiring effective immediately.  And even as the faithful deal with this incredible news, speculation about His replacement has already begun.

God’s announcement, which came in the form of a divine revelation to religious leaders around the world was brief and to the point.  “I am as of “today” (to use the temporal vernacular of Earth), resigning my position as God Almighty and going into retirement.  I assure you that no single event or specific series of events has led to this decision, which has been a long time in the making.  Having served in this capacity since the beginning of time, I am simply tired.  I leave Heaven and Earth and all the cosmos in very capable hands.”  Most Christian observers believe the last to be a reference to God’s Son, Jesus of Nazareth.   A significant number of God watchers have even speculated that God has been turning over more and more of His work to Jesus since about 30CE. Others have claimed that God had long ago stopped working at all.  Since at least the 19^th century, some factions have even spread rumors that the Heavenly Father was deceased.

 Pope Gregory, who had only just announced his own resignation as of the end of the month, released a statement calling for calm.   “We don’t, of course, know all the details yet, but there is no reason for panic.  We expect to hear something very soon regarding assignment of responsibilities for judging sinners, managing natural disasters, keeping an eye on sparrows and so forth.”  Sources within the Vatican, who asked for anonymity because their statements were off the record, suggested that the Pontiff was a bit put out by the timing of God’s announcement, which was certain to steal some of the thunder from the news of his own resignation.

Sister Mary Theresa Bardinelli of the Sisters of Mercy, said she was hoping that whoever replaced the Creator would bring more of a feminine touch to the job.  “I think it would be wonderful if Jesus and his Mother could share the responsibilities.  This is the 21^st century, after all, and it’s way past time for us to get over the idea that only men can run things.”

Justin Welby, the new Archbishop of Canterbury, was somewhat cautionary even as he praised the Almighty for his work over the past millennia.  “We are of course deeply sadden by this news, and while we would like to say that we understand His decision, we cannot, of course, because we are only human and none of us can ever actually know what God is thinking.  However, we wish Him well in His retirement and trust that The Holy Spirit will guide his successor.  Let us be especially careful not to take this as a sign that God’s work here is finished, but believe instead that His work will continue in Heaven and here on Earth; just under new leadership.”

Israel’s Chief Rabbi, Yona Metzger, praised the Lord, but pointed out that He had not named His Successor, only indicating that things would be left in good hands.  “While I appreciate and understand the sincere beliefs of my Christian brethren, I obviously believe that whatever arrangements have been made, we cannot assume that Jesus of Nazareth has been put in charge.”

Several Islamic leaders released statements indicating that it was clear that Allah had already provided for his retirement through His Prophet Mohammed and the Qur’an. 

Sean Bogle, a self-proclaimed atheist, and author of the book “There is No God, All right?  So Just Get Over It Already,” told NPR that he suspected this was a sign that the churches were looking for a way out.  “You know, you look at all the disasters, the violence, the general depravity and it gets harder and harder to argue that God’s looking out for things.  Sure there are a lot of good things happening, too, but let’s just finally accept that we humans are doing it all ourselves.  This ‘announcement’ would at least seem to make it official.”

The National Congress of Agnostics said in a hastily written press release that “It could be true, certainly; but we’ll just have to wait and see.”

As for questions that have been raised concerning the identity of the new Lord of all Things Mortal and Immortal, there seemed to be three lines of speculation in addition to the Christian perspective regarding Jesus.  Some sources suggested that there may be an attempt by Satan to use the instability created by God’s retirement to move back into Heaven and take charge himself.  The Devil’s desire to replace God and rule both Hell and Heaven is well known, but most observers feel that God would not have left if this was a real possibility.  Others were speculating that there might be an interim period in which some older gods and/or goddesses might step in while the new Almighty was getting things in order.  Zeus and Hera were unlikely to return, but Isis and Osiris were thought to be more than eager to return for as long as they might be needed, since they were not really ready to leave when they did and even had a few adherents still prepared to make whatever sacrifices might be necessary.  The third possibility was that God might be making way for a ruling coalition of Gods and Prophets from all Earth’s religions which would work toward reconciling spiritual and religious differences and bring about a new age of unity and understanding and peace throughout the world.  As expected, this was rejected as obvious blasphemy by the leaders of all the world’s faiths.