Maybe Someone Should Market It This Way . . .

 

 

 

 

 

PERSONAL LUBRICANT:

 

 

Penis Butter




90% OF YOU WILL FAIL TO BE GENIUSES

Okay.  I’ve about had it.  There are certain FB click-baits that drive me crazy.  But rather than simply rant, I will attempt to help you once and for all see how these things work (and understand that getting one of them right doesn’t actually require a “genius.”).

 

THE “MATH PROBLEM”

Example: 2 + 2 + 2 x 0 – 2 = ? 

The answer is 2.

Why? Because math problems are always done the same way, and that way is to do all the multiplication and division first, then do the addition and subtraction.  The exact order is PEMDAS, Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication and Division, Addition and Subtraction.  It makes no difference whether you multiply or divide first as long as you do those before adding and subtracting; and it makes no difference whether you add or subtract first as long as you do them after multiplying and dividing.

I will ignore the parentheses and exponents for the moment because the common problems never include exponents (which are actually just a kind of multiplication that takes precedence) and because part of the “problem” is that they leave the parentheses out on purpose.

So in the problem given above you would do the multiplication first (2 x 0 = 0).

Now you rewrite the equation as 2 + 2 + 0 – 2 = ?  2 + 2 is 4.  4 + 0 is 4. 4 – 2 is 2.  So the answer is 2.

Since it is simply true that once you have done one of these “genius” problems you have done them all, you can now stop sharing your continually wrong answers or showing off your right answers and clogging up my FB feed. (Oops.  I promised I wouldn’t rant.  Sorry.)

 

THE “HOW MANY SQUARES OR TRIANGLES PROBLEM”

For example: Look at the following diagram.

 

How many squares are there? (Trust me, when I did this originally they were all squares, so imagine that they are all squares now, regardless of how it looks.)

Assume that the small squares are 1”x1”.  Count them.  There are 12 of them.  Remember 12.

Now, there are also some squares that are 2”x2”.  To count these you have to remember that they sometimes overlap each other and they don’t need to have all the inside lines in order to be squares, just their outside edges.  Of these, there are 7.

7 + 12 = 19.

Next, you need to count the 3”x3” squares.  Same rules apply as for the 2”x2” squares.  There are only 2 of these.  19 + 2 = 21.

Finally, there is one large 4”x4” square.  21 + 1 = 22.

So there are 22 squares.

 

It works the same way with triangles, except there are only 3 sides.  I recommend you print out a few copies of the diagram and begin counting the shapes by outlining them in red if you can’t visualize them any other way. Then just stop falling for every exactly the same puzzle that somebody with advertising to sell puts out there to hook gullible FB users. (I know.  But as I look back, not ranting wasn’t actually a promise; it was more of a casual commitment.)

 

THE “SERIES OF SIMPLE EQUATIONS CHALLENGE”

These aren’t actually math problems, but ask you to look for patterns.  Usually, the designers simply leave out one step of the series and hope you won’t notice.  For example:

2 + 3 = 25

3 + 4 = 37

4 + 5 = 49

6 + 7 = ? 

First, you’ll notice that these aren’t equations.  The “answers” are arrived at by writing down the first of the two initial numbers and then the sum of the numbers.

So 2 + 3 is solved by writing down the 2, then (since 2+3=5) writing down the 5.

You’ll notice, however, that the difference between the “answers” is 12, and the creators of the puzzle hope you’ll be distracted by this and not notice that they skipped 5 + 6.

So just do the “equation” you’re given: 6 + 7 = (6, then 13) 613. 

Since most everyone can, in fact, do the “math” involved, it really doesn’t require a genius to solve these tricks.  Just look for the pattern, look for the trick, and do it all in your head or on a separate piece of paper. 

 

Then keep it to yourself.  I don’t need to know that you “solved” it, or that you got 9 out of ten answers on that quiz that “90%” will fail at. (You do know that these people pull those percentages out of their . . . hats . . .  that’s what I was going to say . . . hats . . . right?)

 

(As I reflect further, I realize that not ranting wasn’t so much of a commitment as a sort of preamble to the essay; a way of saying that I wouldn’t “simply” rant, but would offer explanations also.  I feel that I have done that.  You’re welcome.)

LOCAL MAN ADMITS HE LOST ARGUMENT ON FACEBOOK

A local man claims to have had the shock of his life a few days ago, when he stumbled into a rational discussion on Facebook.
 

“The guy I was arguing with just had all these really clear, well thought out, cogent points he kept making,” said local handyman and dedicated Facebook troll, Sean O’Toole.  “It was like he knew what he was talking about or something.”

O’Toole expressed frustration over how the “other guy” had refused to play by the rules.  “I was calling him names, like Libtard and A**hat,” he said, “and making up all kinds of really impressive imaginary facts. I was quoting lots of celebrities, supermarket tabloids and Fox News.  And he just stayed really calm and focused and kept disproving everything I said.  It was weird.  And it wasn’t really fair, you know?  It’s like he thought he was having an actual discussion or something.  I mean, come on, it was Facebook!”

"It's shaken my confidence, really.  I know I'll be able to get back on the discussion threads eventually, but for now this whole experience has been terribly traumatic."

Controversy Erupts Over Claim that Most Problems Are Too Complex For Simplistic Solutions

Religious and political leaders across the country are in an uproar over a recent study by a group calling itself “The Church of the Rational Universe.”  The study purports to show that most problems are far too complex for simplistic solutions and require more sophisticated and intelligent analysis.  These so-called “Intelligent Analysists” have just concluded a comprehensive study of the major economic and social issues of the past 75 years and they say that the results show pretty conclusively that 97.4% of those problems have not been resolved, or even changed all that much, in all that time; despite decades of simple answers offered by politicians, pundits, religious leaders, and drunk uncles.

According to Dr. Hugh Mann, the principal spokesperson for the CRU, “Systemic racism, sexual and gender inequality, economic inequity and poverty, religious intolerance, declining support for educational and cultural institutions, and a lack of participation in our democratic processes, such as voting, have all been with us for a very long time.  The fact that we have been unable to find ways to solve these problems has brought us to a point where we are almost irretrievably polarized and impotent.”  What’s needed, he suggests, is that we stop looking for simple, singular, isolated, temporary or ideological solutions and begin looking at the complex web of interrelated and interdependent factors that underlie them.  Dr. Manning proposes that all of existence is ecological, and systemic, and that his approach would lead to better, more lasting solutions.

Critics of this new faith in “Intelligent Analysis” were quick to attack the study, calling it misguided, politically motivated and an attack on Christianity.  Senator Clare Dumas (R,TX) tweeted, “CRU wants us 2 think that we can’t solve immigrant problem with big wall!  LOL!”  Bishop Leo Cleary was outraged.  “Everyone knows that all we have to do is pray, and put money in the collection plate every Sunday, and all these problems will be solved,” he said.  The NRA released a statement suggesting that if the CRU members would just arm themselves to the teeth they would realize that more guns is the answer.  Donald Trump called the group “unimportant nobodies,” repeated his assertions that Bill Gates could turn off the internet, it would be easy to round up all Muslims and make them wear special badges, and close all the mosques.  He then announced that most intelligent analysists love him and will vote for him in huge numbers. 

Dr. Mann said that the group only recently incorporated as a church after years as a scientific society with a different name.  He said that he was inspired by right-wing claims that evolution was a religion and decided that the tax and other benefits of being a church made it a good deal.  He says that he is confident that Intelligent Analysis is a viable belief that is consistent with the bulk of scientific inquiry.  He said that the group will advocate for laws requiring the teaching intelligent analysis in all public schools.

Do You Know Why?

 

 

 

 

 

9.86965 . . .

 

 

 

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5 Things to do on April Fools Day, 2015

1. Get an old T-shirt, large enough to hang down below your waste. Write across the bottom in red letters: What Are YOU Looking At?!?!

2. At work, put out one of those pink bakery boxes, fill it with chocolate brownies, put a label on it that says “Product of Colorado,” and see how quickly people eat them.

3. Put a sign on your own back that says “I’m with Stupid,” and has an arrow pointing up. See how many people try to tell you about it.

4. Post the following on your FB status:

“I CHALLENGE YOU TO REPOST THIS AS YOUR STATUS FOR ONE DAY!

99% of you won’t have the courage to do it, but I’m proud to part of the 1% who will!”

If you’d like you could put a cute animal GIF on it.

5. Stand on a street corner with a petition demanding, now that Ted Cruz has renounced his Canadian citizenship, that he also renounce his citizenship in Cuba and any other places he might accidently be from, and start spelling his last name “Cruise.” Put up a picture of him with a Hitler moustache and a hammer-and-sickle lapel pin. Wear a tinfoil hat the whole time.